Okay, imagine this for five hours.
It isn’t often I can talk about a bad flight, but the five hour flight from Chicago to Seattle was nothing short of interminable. At least the weather was clear and we weren’t hitting enough turbulence to make my seatmate throw up airplane peanuts all over me.
That being said, sitting in the window seat next to what could very well be a PAX booth babe did absolutely nothing to make the flight any more enjoyable. Actually, if anything, it made me MORE self conscious about sucking in my gut,hoping to God my breath didn’t smell, trying to be aloof and not stare whenever I got the chance, etc.
However, none of that mattered. Why? Because sitting behind me, and I mean directly behind me, is a family of five. Yes, five. “Hey, Shanghai, how do you fit five people into three airplane seats?” Why that’s simple. The mixed race mother and father each have a pair of two-year old twins on their lap, while their four-year old is wreaking havoc directly behind me.
Great. The kid is currently grabbing my shirt from the side. Come on.
Anyway, this hellion’s name is Diego William. How do I know this? Because his mother is threatening him with his full name with a time out every minute or so when he and his two brothers decide to start yelling at the top of their lungs in some kind sadistic contest to see who can get mommy’s attention. One of the two year olds are named Joel. Joel is apparently teething or some such nonsense, because he is shrieking like a pterodactyl to the point where my headphones can’t even damper the effect, and biting mommy so hard that I get to chuckle at her occasional yelped, “Ow! God damnit, Joel!”.
But the real star of the show is good ol’ Diego William.
Diego William has a variety of moves in his arsenal, slowly turning me from the nice guy who smiled warmly at the mother and father with a “Kids: what can you do?” attitude in the first hour to the grimacing, snarling monster who is currently somewhere over the Rockies.
Diego William has several toys, which he argues loudly with his parents over which toy he wants. The dad has stated he can only have two toys at any one time, but no matter which toy he has, he nearly immediately will begin howling about wanting “no, not the moto-cycul, I want the wace car!”
Diego William has a toy which I can’t see, but actually sounds somewhat LIKE a crying child. I don’t know why you would give a hysterically crying child a toy that sounds like its hyterically crying like that, but Diego William being a hellspawn, he seems to revel in hitting the “cry” button repeatedly.
Diego William…is a strange damn thing to name a child.
Diego William enjoys getting out of his seat, much to the dismay of his parents, who are too busy with their twins. The parents, in turn, repeatedly contribute to the noise pollution by repeating their empty threats to sit back in his seat, which he ignores as he jumps up and down in his seat.
Diego William seems to be playing his parents like finely-tuned fiddles. He knows that if he shrieks and yells for his goldfish crackers, then by God, mommy will get him those goldfish crackers and-please-shut-up-while-we’re-on-this-plane.
Diego William just got a “special surprise” from mommy if Diego William will stop being a shrieking, tantrum throwing monster. Mommy announced it loud enough so the entire back half of the plane would be able to hear it. It ended up being a lollipop. Oh, good idea, mom. Let’s jack the four year old up on sugar.
Diego William must have the lollipop clamped in his mouth right now, because the sudden quiet is…disquieting. Ah, yes, I’m hearing him slorping loudly behind me. Maybe mom is onto something; shove something in his mouth to keep him from assaulting the cabin with his crying or yelling. Have no fear, the two-year old terror twins will happily throw a mind-bending screech in to make any kind of sleep impossible.
Diego William is back. The crying and yelling was quiet for about ten minutes. Oh, well. Only seventeen more hours until we touch down at Seattle Tacoma airport.
Actually, turns out there are only 45 minutes to touch down…the Captain announced we just flew over Spokane, Washington, which received a cacophony of noise from the kids. They, of course, can’t understand the announcement; they just hear something louder then they collectively are and feel some primal need to be heard.
Oh, boy, do the kids like the drop in cabin pressure as we start to descend. Holy testicle Tuesday. Mommy continues to tell Diego William to suck on his fingers, but Diego William is howling like he’s being skinned alive. The twins are singing along with him.
I think I’ve exhausted all the hell I can pull out of the situation for the amusement of anonymous readers. My heart goes out to the parents of these goblins; while I just had to listen to this chorus for five hours, this is their life.
Maybe the parents are flying the kids to Seattle to be sold onto the black market for spare parts. I can attest that Diego Williams has got a set of vocal chords on him that have got to be worth a pretty penny.
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